They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but my money is on stalking. The stalker is, after all, a bit more dedicated than the imitator. But let’s face it: flattering or not, it’s also creepy.

[For the purposes of pronoun ease, I’m going to refer to the stalker as a “he”. Yes, woman can and do stalk, but if you’re getting stalked, the odds are good that you’re female and your stalker is a male. If this is not the case, the same rules apply, I’ve just gotten the pronouns wrong, for which I apologize.]

Counter the Creepiness

He wants to creep around in the shrubbery, keep your shrubbery well-lit so he’s going to have to keep a distance. Leave with friends, return with friends, maybe even consider getting an alarm system. I know, you shouldn’t have to change your patterns because of this creep…but these would be good things to be doing even if you weren’t being stalked, they’re just good safety.

Be Unattractive

I know that’s hard for you; I mean, this runs counter to everything you know! But I’ve had guys lurch after me devotedly, then as soon as I pick my teeth, pick my nose, snort, fart (um, all for the benefit of losing them, you understand), they dash off like I’m suddenly not a catch for THEM or something.

Scare the Crap Out of Him

I can’t be specific because it really depends on how irritating he is and how bold you are. So you could, next time he’s walking behind you, suddenly do a 180 and walk towards him. (You have mace, right? I presume when you acquired a stalker, you also acquired some mace…hold it up menacingly, with an insane look in your eyes. An air horn would be extra lots of fun but then you have to hear it too, and frankly it’s kind of bulky.) Maybe yell at him. Even if it doesn’t chase him away, it sure will make you feel better. Everyone’s inclination toward stalkers is to dash off quietly, but that makes stalking fairly easy for him…confrontation, however, does not. If you can get up the nerve.

Confuse the Crap Out of Him

Stalkers prefer routine. It’s a lot easier on them if you go out for a muffin every morning at exactly 5a.m. and go jogging to get rid of the muffin calories at exactly 7. Find out how dedicated this guy is by mixing it up as much as you can…it’s likely that muffin can wait until 6a.m.—maybe head the other direction and see how the muffins fare at that other place you’ve been thinking about trying–and the calories will burn up just as well if you jog in the evening. It’s no good to be stuck in a rut, anyhow. Heck, maybe you’ll end up thanking that stalker someday. Okay, it’s probably not a good idea to thank your stalker.

Be Nice

I can hear you now, “Be nice to the STALKER? You mean this guy that has been driving me NUTS for WEEKS now? He calls and lurks outside and you’re saying to be NICE?” Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Remember the stalker rule: the reason he’s a stalker and not a potential suiter is that he’s extraordinarily dissocial and doesn’t know how to approach you like a decent person. (That, and the scary hair, 80s track suit, and massive eyebrows.) If you pass him on the street, wave at him. Heck, say “Hello, Stalker Guy!” and flash him your pearly whites. If he calls, rather than saying “Who is this? Stop CALLING me” which is what he’s used to encountering, try throwing him off with your best “AUNT MILDRED? CAN YOU HEAR ME? DID THEY FIX YOUR HEARING AID?” or give him a “Hello, Mr. Stalker, I can’t talk right now because I’m on my cell with my boyfriend, who does NOT stalk me”.

And as tempting as it may be, etiquette absolutely prohibits you from introducing an enemy to the stalker, in hopes of sloughing him off on her…there’s a code when it comes to these matters, you see, so don’t even think about it.